First the Icky Stuff…

Hey!  It’s tomorrow and I’m still here.  Barely. It is 1:15am and I’m deadbeat. I was ready to post at 10pm when we got home but couldn’t because I got an email concerning updating a client’s non-profit sports website.  It happens every season…  I get the request to update the site with new forms and info for the upcoming season. Problem…  they always needed it “yesterday”.  I just got the info 3 days ago and registration deadline is in 19 days.  With my job and the kids, I need notice.  I started doing the website 2 years ago as a barter to have free dues paid so my oldest could play. Now that she’s not playing anymore, I continue to provide updates and maintenance (not to mention provide free hosting) out of good will.  I really don’t mind doing this. I consider it giving back to the community. Just a little time would be nice…

Anyway, this is about me. I thought I’d get the icky stuff out of the way first. Then I’ll post all the fun stuff over the next few days. :)

After working that special project for work, I was burned out. I didn’t even turn on the computer for almost a week.  I couldn’t stand to look at it. I was also a bit upset at my performance on the special project. For the most part, I was the only one working on this special project. I felt honored that I was chosen. I felt it showed that my supervisors valued my work and they showed it by giving me additional responsibility.  I thought if I busted my butt on this, perhaps in the future I would be considered for a raise or promotion.

Apparently, somehow, somewhere, there was a major mis-communication. A particular term was defined one way by my supervisor while I thought it meant something else. Because of this, I incorrectly coded almost a hundred records. I was promptly put into my place. Did I realize how important accuracy was on a project of this magnitude?  I was told (not asked).  I knew. And I was very upset. I profusely apologized and explained why I coded the way I did.  I didn’t get a reply back. Oh, I am still working on the previous ongoing project I was on. But the communication has been stilted since then. Before I enjoyed frequent communication with my boss. Now, rarely do we talk and only then it is very formal and to the point. I was pretty upset over it all.  My father instilled a very strong work ethic in me.  I am a perfectionist to the core. I’ve always performed every job I have been in - from working at a fast food restaurant to the military - to the best of my ability. And to have screwed up this royally didn’t sit well with me.  Still doesn’t.  I’m still bothered about the whole business although not to the point of being on my mind 24/7.

So now I continue to work for the same company but I don’t know… I’m not as enthusiastic.  But it is not just the poor work that I did on that one project… it is some system changes that bugs me, too.  Like time tracking.  We have so much time to process each record. If we take too long, the system logs us out and when we click on a particular button, it logs us back in. Not a big deal is we have easy work. But get a difficult record and we lose time. So if something takes me 10 minutes to work on, I may lose 5 or more minutes of work time. And I can’t argue it. After all, when you are telecommunting, how does the employer know if you are actively working or if you stepped away from the computer?

But I (and neither does my hubby who is working for this same company) ever step away from the computer. We are not that type of people. We work as if for the Lord and not for people who can’t see us.  And so we lose 5 minutes here and 5 minutes there.  Probably in a pay period, we may lose up to an hour of our time working but not getting paid.  But who is going to complain. It is money and I get to stay at home with the kids.  It just make working a drudgery sometimes…

Let’s see… what else?

I was a doormat this past month, too.  (I’m frequently that, though. It is like I have a big ol’ “LOSER” sign tacked to my forehead.)

Late last year, a friend and I made a barter agreement. I would give her an expensive brand new baby carrier and she would sew me some cloth diapers (CDs) for my baby boy.  I’d obtain all of the material needed including buying a snap press machine, and she’ll use it to sew herself and me some CDs.  Yep… out of the material, she’d be able to sew a stash of dipes for her baby as well.  So I spent $150 on a snap press and 200 snaps.  About $250 on fabric and lastin.

I gave her a diaper to deconstruct ($25 diaper) and make a pattern from. I told her, “let’s make this easy… just use this diaper as a guide to making mine. Make it EXACTLY like this and I’ll be happy.”   I get 3 tester diapers.  2 didn’t even fit my boy. The 3rd was close but off a tad.  She had problems with the Lastin. Apparently I had bought the wrong size. SO I ordered the correct size.  Elapsed time now has been about 5 or 6 months.

Then her mother became ill.  I didn’t know this as I wasn’t online - not to check email or socialize or anything.  I get no phone call either.  I call but she’s not there.  Finally, I get a hold of her and find out the situation. OK. I understand. This stretches another month or so. No news. I don’t know what is going on. I have no contact number as she is staying with her grandmother through this to help her out.  Finally, we get in contact, and I offer to come by and pick up the fabric. They live in a tiny place and my boxes take up alot of room. I brought over a meal and we agree that when life calms down, she’ll call me and we’ll get together to finish this up.

Fast forward another month… no phone call. Her mother died and she’s getting back to socializing online.  I thought she’d call. I’m not going to call as I don’t want to be disrespectful.  Then the other day, I see  my ring sling up on the FSOT board as a forum we both go to…  she’s asking the same price as the barter price we had settled on.  What?!?

We had a standing agreement…  she took some of my fabric and did end up making dipes for her baby and is selling the ring sling for money and I come out with no dipes?  I don’t understand. Do I have “Use me!” written on me?

I ended up sending my material to a respected CD vendor.  A stash of CDs are now costing me $406.  Add in the cost of the ring sling ($100), fabric used for herself (approx. $50), fabric leftover ($200 worth) and time lost (9 months x $50/month for disposable diapers), and these CDs are costing me a small fortune!

And this isn’t the first time… previously a momma around here had agreed to sew me a baby carrier in exchange for a website and she screws me out of my money - because at the last minute she gave the website project to someone else and told me to pay her instead - and she sends me a shabbily sewn carrier. (READ: unsafe carrier)

I’m so tired of being used and stepped all over. I was whining about it the other day to hubby and he looked at me and said: “What’s your alternative?   Become a bitch?”  I frowned and looked at him. He knew how I would answer that…  “Then,” he continued, “what are you going to do?  We’re Christians… we’re not going to treat others how we are treated.”   (Hubby doesn’t allow me to have my pity parties for long. LOL)

But he’s right. That’s how I believe.  Apparently, I lack discerning skills…  people I thought were friends just use me…

“Be as wary as snakes and harmless as doves.“  (Matthew 10:16)  I’m still learning how that concept.

Add on top of all of that, I have some issues with my oldest… (more on that later), my house is a complete mess and I can never seem to keep up, and I have recently started experiencing frequent migraines which is not normal for me.

All of this has led me into a bit of a depression.  I’m not communicating with others… not email, phone, nothing. (I’m sorry, Kate.    I did read them all and they did brighten my day. :kiss:  )  I’m sticking to myself, working my dreary job, and trying to keep up with house and kids. All of which I am miserably failing. I don’t know… I know it sounds all bad but not really.

Because I’ve taken a break from the internet, I’ve really ramped up my photography. Have you seen my photoblog lately? I think the photos are starting to get better.  At least for the capabilities of my little point-and-shoot camera.  (What I wouldn’t give for a DSLR!!!!)   I’m learning more of Photoshop because of the blah photos my camera takes - all come out with washed out colors and a blue tint… even with correct exposure set, I still have to do some editing to all of them.   I’ve been having fun on Flickr as well.

I’ve been on the floor more with my kids. The boy giggles as he climbs all over me and tries to bulldoze his head into my body. Rachel climbs on my back and sits there as she combs my hair with her fingers. And Kayla… ah… my dear Kayla… she’s been gone alot since summer has begun. Friends beckon her from morning to evening. I see her out there playing with them and it disturbs me much (more on that later). But she’s getting older and staying home with boring mom is just not cool.  At least I still have my two little ones who adore me, right?

Well, this is a novel already. If you’ve read this far, I’m impressed!  LOL

More tomorrow… it won’t be so dreary, I promise!  :)

(That top photo is of the kids and me *shock! can you believe I am in a photo!* on the 4th of July. Click for a larger version.)