Early Breastfeeding Experiences

My little angel girl was 2 weeks old when I felt like I couldn’t go on. Every nursing session was filled with tears from both my baby’s and my eyes. "How could something so natural be so hard to do?" I asked myself over and over. With no support and no one to turn to, I had no clue that nursing wasn’t suppose to be as painful as it was. I thought it was all my fault that I was in pain. So with a heavy heart, I gave my little angel a bottle of formula. I cut her off from the breast cold turkey. I cried so hard. It seemed my baby was even more unhappy than I was. It hurt me so much hearing her cry. I felt like I had failed at being a mother. For two weeks, my baby cried from the time she woke up until she went to bed. She was absolutely miserable. We walked the floors, sang lullabies, and rocked all night long. Nothing helped. I knew what she really wanted and needed - me. She wanted to nurse. I just couldn’t do it.

Those two weeks felt like hell in other ways. For the first time I actually had to get up to make her a bottle and feed her. Stumbling around in the dark, half asleep was not my cup of tea. I preferred the calm, never-quite-waking-up routine of nursing her in our bed. Now those days were over. I also had more work to do, as I had dirty bottles to clean. Changing her diapers had just got smellier. (Breast milk stool does not have an odor.) So many disadvantages to formula feeding I had never realized.

The pain in my breasts did not go away so I scheduled an exam through my doctor. I had a breast infection. There was a reason for all the pain. It wasn’t because I did something wrong, after all. During the exam, I told the doctor of my guilt ridden feelings. He told me I still had a little milk left in me. It did not dry up all the way yet. Since it had only been two weeks since I had last nursed her, I could relactate and begin our nursing sessions up again. I was warned that it would be hard and take a lot of work. I didn’t have to even think about it. I looked to my husband for his support, and then asked the doctor how to go about relactating.

That night, I sat down to nurse her for the first time in two weeks. How happy I was again to do what was suppose to come natural and easy. This time I was armed with the support of my husband, phone numbers to La Leche League, and the hospital’s lactation consultant. I was better prepared. The amazing thing was that even though I still had to supplement for the next 4 weeks with formula (until my breasts were at full milk capacity), that very first night I started nursing my baby girl again, all her crying spells ended. Just like that. She was still getting formula. But she was happy again that she had her mamma back. For the first time in two weeks, she was content.

Relactating was not easy. It required constant nursing for the 4 weeks it took. I do not think I left my "nursing chair" even to take a shower. I am sure I must have, but all I remember is the constant nursing.

Then my baby was 6 weeks old. I will never forget how to the day she turned 6 weeks, everything seemed to fall into place. Our nursing relationship became settled and routine. Now, all of a sudden it was easy. I finally was able to stop with the formula feedings all together. I was happy and proud of myself that I could give her the greatest gift I can ever give her.

At that time, I knew I had to continue on nursing until she was at least 6 months old. I was firm about not giving her any solids until that time. At that time, I thought we would begin weaning. Well, 6 months came and went The new guidelines from the American Academy of Pediatrics came out: breast milk is best up through 1 year of age and well into the 2nd year. So, although I introduced solids, I continued maintaining a solid nursing relationship.

Now my little angel girl is 13 months old and still nursing. There’s no end in sight. That’s O.K. by me though. It is what is best for her. When she is ready to wean, she will let us know. Meanwhile, I have done research on extended breast feeding (EBF), and found an abundance of information that supports EBF. I feel confident that what I am doing is right for my baby. I also have joined an e-mail list that supports EBF and attachment parenting. I know there are rough times but now that I have the support, it makes those rough times a piece of cake!

Originally written April 1, 2000